I am sleeping on the floor in your room so if you have sex in here just don't roll on me
he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
You fed me pizza off a sword last night.
It'd be easier to list the surfaces my ass hasn't been on.
I gave them the 'I used to fuck your son' discount.
Come now. I'm bloody but I'll give you the best fuck of your life.
Listen man, there's two things I know about in life: porn and sound. On a day that I'm wearing khakis, I need you to trust that I know what the fuck I'm doing.
IN THE MIDDLE OF HOOKING UP, HE IS CALLED AWAY ON AN "EMERGENCY". FUCK THAT, MATT'S CAR IS NOT AS URGENT AS MY THIRST.
You know you have a problem when your man yells at you that his penis is not your personal play toy.
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
Is there a nice, calm way of telling your friend/housemate/former lover/person who does not reciprocate your feelings that your period is late?
We left Waffle House and he took off running five miles down the road saying we were "training for the Olympics." And I mean, I couldn't leave him out there like that...
I'm sorry I get my lefts and rights confused because I'm dyslexic. But, it took you at least 15 minutes to figure out it wasn't your room OR YOUR HUSBAND.
Randomize
