miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
If Andre Agassi did Crystal Meth, what was John McEnroe doing?
It's underwear night and I am literally in the bar wearing nothing but underwear and flip flops.
Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.
Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.
Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting
we found him passed out on the baseball field with two 40oz and wearing a tophat.
Where did he get the tophat?
GOOD MORNING. Have you seen the Avenger vibrators?
I don't remember how I broke my nose last night, but I woke up with dried blood everywhere. Also, you should tell that guy how you feel.
you can't get cum all over my hair and then tell me you just want to be friends
We're ordering chinese food so if you want to get on this obesity train answer me now.
Oh honey. I will not JUST be drunk. I will be spring break drunk. Spectacularly hammered. It will be glorious for all watching and embarrassing for anyone that has to drag me to bed.
Congrats, you are the first person our bartender ever met that actually needed wheeled out of a bar in a wheelchair. He said you were his hero.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
You know you're getting old when you pick up hot sorority girls at the bar, and they write down their phone number, and under it 'we're great babysitters!'
Randomize
