wow, farting in latex pants is really awkward.
Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
discovery: the myth about swedish girls giving good head? not a myth.
News update: stealing a playground is harder than it looks.
I just remembered I gave $20 to a bum last nite. Philanthropy events always make me do stupid shit.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.
Fuck that. I'm not afraid to die. I'll prove you can survive on a bagel bites and rum diet.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Heading there now. Already have a boner.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
What conversation warrents "penis" in rainbow comic sans
I was told I was gorgeous and a whore by the drag queens. My night is complete.
Randomize
