He introduced her to the DMA meeting by saying: in the past few years i've never seen someone work so hard for so little success
he borrowed my computer and saw his name in my recent google searches. Things got awkward real fast.
I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
WHITE RUSSIAN WEDNESDAY. TELL YOUR CO WORKERS. INVITE QND PREPARE
Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
When you get a chance, you should call Nick. He REEAAAALLLLLY wants to hear you make chewbacca noises.
Can't wait to bequeath this flannel to my grandchildren someday.
'I've been using this to pick up lesbians since before you were born!'
I've now spilled wine and got poptarts all over my cast. So much for my doc taking me seriously...
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
She's the prison bitch to my Martha Stewart.
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