I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.
Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO
I wish I could like. Pull my liver out, and put it in the corner of a boxing ring, put a towel and ice on it, rub it's shoulders, and tell it to "get back in there, you got this!".
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I sent him a pic of my tits and he said "Word." I need a drink.
Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.
He ate shrooms at 9:30, said, "see you later," and left. I am alone on New Years.
Hello, the Less Drunk that has my sister's phone. I am the Moderately Drunk. I am questioning your Friday activities. Why are you not the More Drunk?
For the past year I have been the most responsible I have ever been in my entire life and now spring break is here and there is free penis just traipsing around my entire town. The game is afoot.
I'm tripping pretty hard right now but every time a Volvo drives by I feel like everything is gonna be alright
She totals her lexus and all she wants is to have crazy wild sex.
Randomize
