Gte hit a new low, I took a poopnap, passed out mid poop on the toilet.
Omg just saw this kid I went to elementary school with at the bar and he used to be cool and I was so awkward but now I have boobs so I WIN.
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
does my mom think that having an ed hardy lighter is going to get her laid?
I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.
everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
For future reference "bring our litter sisters on our date day" is not such a good idea
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
He is dust bro dust in the wind I waited in this unlocked car long enough.
I'm about to airblow my boyfriend. I'll three-way you.
please don't forget about the bread in the toilet i am absolutely not dealing with that
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
Wtf did i hit my head on?
Tequila
Drunk me is having trouble keeping up with sober me's standards
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