my family just sang happy birthday to baby jesus. no ones even drunk yet
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.
I am both scared and jealous.
I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.
Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I can only send "I want your dick" texts to so many guys before I accidentally over-book myself. I need a day planner.
I don't want a mention or even a whisper of a Shakespeare Festival by that or any other name including, but not limited to, a fucking Renaissance Fair. Are we clear? It will be a DEALBREAKER .
Go christen that room with your naked body.
I woke up in some kids room and he introduced me to his friends at breakfast as "Monica" so I just went with it.
They were assless. I wore assless football pants.
dont know if she was trying to start a lawnmower or jerk me off. still wasnt to bad though
I always feel bad for the sober driver... Never been me but I feel bad... empathetic AF
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