new number. flushed my phone last night when i puked, made B help me look for it for 2 hours.
Just saw an Asian guy riding his razor scooter to class. Dreams do come true
So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.
Women are fucking wierd. I have forgotten this. Divorce papers should come with a handbook.
You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels
The best part about this city is obvious. Someone saw me crouching by a bar pissing in my leftover Panera bread bowl and they just winked.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
Just ushered a raccoon across the street so yeah.. Good night
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
And then I fed you egg rolls in bed as you were screaming I'm moving out
Yea it's also hard to turn down a man asking you out with a chicken sandwich.
if anyone asks you the platypus in my bathtub is a gift...thats all anyone needs to know
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
You were in the back of the cop car and told the cop to ask me if I got laid. Youre a dedicated wingman.
Tinder has really served to stimulate the number of sex related demons summonings.
Randomize
