The cop didn't care that I was peeing on the wall of my dorm building... All he said was, "come on, it's 9am."
They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.
Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
Would you judge me if I made John grow a bush while he is in Cancun so he doesn't cheat on me?
Just thought you should know I'm having a reunion tour of Athens this weekend. Minus the weird guy I was fucking last time.
I told him i turn boys gay hoping that would scare him off. Finally i found a way to take advantage of my disability.
I bought new panties to console myself ... you know, because I am going to lose my ovaries. Well, if I don't die of a heart attack first. But at least when the EMS folks find me, I'll be finely dressed from the waist down.
So they found him after the wedding still dressed up in his feather boa and top hat passed out in a bush...
Your boyfriends underwear are hanging from my kitchen window. Where the fuck are you?!
My ex is having a baby and I'm over here planning my dogs birthday celebration...
When is the party?
Had a dream we were competing for tomatos.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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