Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
There is still throw up in my sink from before break. God I missed this place
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.
Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!
Did she say Ok?
So now I'm lying here in bed taking notes from Teen Mom... I fucked up
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
I found her in my pantry with her shirt off twerking...I tapped her on the shoulder and she said she was giving Chef Boyardee a show and to give her a minute...
Also, if he asks how he's doing orally I can probably ask if we're exchanging Christmas presents?
Props to the guy blatantly doing coke in the bathroom at the bar. Walked out of the stall with a credit card in hand, sniffing loudly and shouting "choo choo"
One of your snapchats was of you with a 40oz of Mickeys and the caption: "Deep Throat back in her natural habitat"
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
So I fell alseep while I was motorboating that girl last night infront of the entire party.
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
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