I walked out of the bathroom and both of you girls were giving the gay guy head. I was like, "laaaterrr."
I just saw a pair of panties stretched over a fire hydrant on campus... I need to get the fuck out of this town
We tried having a conversation with our noses.
I learned an important lesson last night: Jameson giveth, but Jameson also taketh away.
Cruelly.
that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good
that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna
I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
i fell out of the car and didnt spill my drink. come overrrr
truly a win in your book
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
I just talked comic books with a cop. We high-fived as he was running my name.
Proud of you.
We discussed the legality of being a vigilante. I won.
Dad danced on top of the bar with me last night. And has a video of me doing a beer bong.
would it be awkward if i bring my husband?
only if i fuck you in the bathroom while he's paying the check
ok, muffins say "love me", waffles say "fuck me", got it.
Sorry I totally pulled a home invasion on you last night
That was super inconsiderate of me
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