Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?
you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom
he bonged a 1/5 of jack and came back an hour later blacked out with a legitimate chicago firemans helmet
The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.
So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks
Go on vacation with her and forget to pack pants. I did that once and it worked like a charm.
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
Defrosting my uncrustable with my laptop...Hungover dinner
Just had ice cream and a blow job come together in one glorious, defining moment.
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
I'm potentially being cockblocked by Old Man Winter. What the fuck did I do to piss off an entire season?
Accidentally made a straight guy question his sexuality again. I really gotta watch myself.
She keeps comparing me to her favorite dildo and I don’t know if I’m flattered or creeped out
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