Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak
I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole
She's blonde
Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
There is a pink thong attached to a bottle of svedka hanging from my ceiling fan..is this yours?
He counted every piece of macaroni in the box and then faceplanted into the bowl
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
I remember nothing except the fact it happened and I ate doritos and we highfived a lot
Considering that your "hello" was replaced with "Fuck yo couch," I'm not surprised that you have a black eye.
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
The uberlube is also flammable
"Fuck all you guys I'm going to be Cameltoe Spider-Man for Halloween."
I think the blind guy i flirt with on a regular basis is starting to realize he's old enough to be my father. I can't tell if he's into it or not.
We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?
I found a Trump-humping republican virgin born on the goddamn Fourth of July. I NEED to hate-fuck him.
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
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