Why I am the classiest girl you know: just mixed drinks for everyone on the baby changing station at the movie theater.
As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".
i just was bootyclappin in front of homeless men in a back alley
How do people deal with hangovers? I literally want to eat my own face.
You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?
yeah you don't forget that shit easily
We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.
Like fighting the continuous urge to sing Neil diamond "coming to America" kinda fucked up right now
i woke up in his neighbors pool house. Not sure how I got here but there is people swimming outside. how do I escape?
just fucking run.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
its one thing to be single and another thing to be single and then have your profile picture be of you and the cat
your picture is with misty too!!
I AM SINGLE BY CHOICE
Is "I am going to murder you if you keep sending me requests that I cannot fulfill" unprofesh?
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
i feel like every weekend turns into a giant blur of i dont want to know...
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I attempted to walk home at 5:30 this morning cuz i was mad at him cuz he didn't want to cuddle and didn't have pizza. I got 3 houses down n fell over.
Randomize
