dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!
doesn't he have a girlfriend???
yeah...who do you think woke us up...
I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I just feel like a little gay dolphin in a massive sea
She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time
I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal
You know it's a good Halloween party when a guy wearing a light-up sombrero offers you blow.
Yeahhh, apparently my brothers think its ok not to check on me if a creeper is talking to me bc i "like those weirdo types"
You were spooning an empty magnum of white wine in the middle of the bed so I slept on the couch
Well at least there's no more confusion about your place in my life. Wine > pizza > your dick > the rest of you.
Love you...
The fact that it was "anything but a cup" now explains the cowboy boots and fishbowl aftermath at the apartment.
Am I supposed to confront my 52-year-old boss/mother of 3 about the fact that we matched on Tinder?
Mom told me you snuck booze into a concert in a cheez its box...I have never been prouder to be related to you
National champion athletes like gay butt sex, too. I'm just here to help them out.
I'm so high that a guy on TV just sneezed and I said "bless you."
Randomize
