Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?
Someone just got laid.
It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.
Hey, I can't find my bed frame. Do you know who took it?
All my credit cards need to be pressure washed
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
All I remember is intermittent flashes of being passed out on the side of the road 3 or 4 different times. And telling him to just leave me there and I would walk home in the morning.
I told him he could fuck me once he could grow a beard. Never expected seeing him ten years later with a goatee and a great memory...
My whole family just stopped to look at me and aknowledge how fucked up I am.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
I had sex on a sidewalk in downtown Chicago... I don't think I have anymore morals to lose.
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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