a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
I totally cried the whole time and then screamed out my new therapists name....
If you invite me to a bar tonight my liver will kick you in the testicles
Bring enough bail money and little extra for tacos after
I don't think tequila will soothe the spots where my tonsils used to be.
Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.
She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.
I don't remember anything after falling in the ditch, but I now have confirmation that my rib is broken. Never drinking again.
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
Worse. He's Mormon. At least a gay guy will go get drinks with me.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
Every text my dad sends me is an AA mantra. Might be time to take a look at my life.
I have to stop at Sheetz to put my bra back on before I meet you hold on
i'll...probably just offer you drugs?
i'll...probably take them in all honesty
Randomize
