I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?
You have no idea how much I'm praying for my moms side of the family's infertility right now
Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.
My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
Managed to get through family dinner without anyone knowing I was tripping balls. Christmas miracle. He exists.
I wish the sun would stop judging me for being drunk while it's still shining.
Really? Uh ohh sounds like a double date with extra stripper funnnn
i told him I'd let him eat part of a weed cookie out of my cleavage, so he pulled over like a gentleman.
I STILL HAVE A HARD TIME DECIDING WHAT TO WEAR IN THE MORNING HOW WOULD IT BE POSSIBLE FOR ME TO PICK A PAIR OF PANTS AND GO OH ILL JUST WEAR THESE FOR THE REST OF MY LIFE
For starters i called the cops on myself for trying to destroy the ladys decorations
Coming straight to your house after the flight. If not in Federal Prison for disobeying peanut laws.
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
She asked what a chaser is. I died a little inside, please come back..
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