Btw I've read that book you bought me...And I'm such a bitch now
But I don't think guys love me
it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
i wanna make it FB official so he cant fuck anyone else. but that means i can't fuck anyone else either. CONUNDRUM
when we woke up the fish was dead lying next to us on the bed. wat should i tell her
I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.
Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.
I love you football head
Can you please come and collect your boss off of my kitchen floor.
What was the point of renting a $600 trolley if no one even remembers going to the first bar?
You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
Apparently when cookies are around I think of myself as a puppy and reward myself for everything #WhoIsAGoodBoy
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
Randomize
