my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?
i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I don't think we should have started that trash fire
i'm only riding in the trunk because they put the case of beer back here..
New discovery: pineapple flavored vodka. Life made, liver in jeopardy. Graduation t-minus 50 minutes.
Just gave a blow job while wearing a shirt that says 'world's coolest mom' idk how my conscience feels...
This is America. Thomas Jefferson would have said I want some vagina.
Talking to friends parents while buying all the things needed for Jell-O shots. classic
Two of my roommates are waxing their vaginas in the living room. Can I come smoke?
she is currently in the shower drinking a beer and dancing to a song called "the penis song" my roommate is cooler than yours
When do you think the murder is going to happen in this Lifetime movie of ours?
I think it's a bit on the nose for the Uber driver to play stairway to heaven while driving like A psycho.
Randomize
