FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
I know man...but i cant pass up a catholic school girl fantasy
Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way
He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.
I did the walk of shame wearing his scrubs. Fucking med school students is the way to go.
Ugh I need to clean my floors/walls/ I actually don't understand why boys get drunk and pee on things
Next time one of us has a party everybody has to wear a diaper. But actually you just need a shit ton of disinfectant wipes and maybe a hazmat suit.
Its not chugging if its just one gulp
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Also, my guy said they would be around. And i clarified that when I asked him for mushrooms he didn't hear "a mushroom or two" but rather understood I meant "all the mushrooms you can find between now and 4th of July."
I learned the hard way a garbage bag will not save you when jumping from a tree at 2am
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