she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.
Just put my hand under my pillow and found a peach ring. Lat night just came rushing back.
You were jumping on the trampoline and screaming that you couldn't feel the fire.
Her roommate "grounded" her because she drunkenly tried to fill their fish tank with vodka
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?
My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Ultimate cock block. About to have sex and your mom calls you so you can go help your grandmother figure out how to vote for the voice on her iPad
He made me chicken tenders and margaritas in preparation for me to take a pregnancy test at his place later tonight. Like...seriously.
This girl in my class is lecturing my professor about zombies. It has been going on for 15 minutes.
Zombies?
Zombies.
Did you happen to find the other half of my bra last night?
Eh, it could have been worse. I may or may not have been wearing a jedi cloak while getting my dick sucked.
Randomize
