All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
I feel like the only solution to this is to get naked and lay in the shower for a hour then see what my penis wants to do.
Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
The only thing keeping me calm right now is pretending to chop off everyone's heads when using the paper cutter
Date idea: we should go to the store and buy all the different kinds of Lay's and eat them all
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
I woke up at 5am to tell him I wanted to take his dick on la Tour de France, I might need a nap later
Ended up in his bed... He's passed out holding me and his bulldog is laying across my legs. Both snoring. HELP!! I wanna go home!
He dared you to draw a map of the USA on your wall in mustard. You drew something that vaguely resembled a velociraptor eating Oklahoma, got embarrassed because you forgot how to spell America, then hid out in the coat closet until everybody left.
I was in the rappers prayer circle. Then they're blunt circle
Vibrator fell off the top of the dresser and hit me. This might be the most embarrassing black eye incident ever
I'm going to talk him into letting me tie him up, and then just leave him that way and go meet you for fro-yo.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
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