textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
I was so exhausted I thought about using my deep throat spray to stop my coughing.
i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation
I confess. I just downed the bottle of saki. And I'm singing phantom of the opera to the dogs. Be glad you're not here for the high notes.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
You yell at me for giving you beer but not for licking spilled beer off your chest.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
You know you're stoned when you tell your dog you're stoned only to realise he's not in the pickup
Had a dick customer and the words "eat my ass" slipped out. He proceeded to lick his lips and say present it. I think it's time I quit.
Randomize
