something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
I wasn't concerned until I realized he was using the vase my birthday flowers came in as a " big glass" for his 151 and coke.
I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...
the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.
I feel like getting drunk at the airport is sort of a rite of passage into adulthood, but maybe i should reserve that occasion for a flight thats not just 1 hr
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Surveying the reception hall and I'm fearing the worst possible thing that could ever happen...this might be a dry wedding.
.,.,you might have to leave
Thanks for setting a pic of your balls as my desktop background. You'll find you're cc'ed on the mass email of it.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I was going to say that I wasn't sure how that happened... but then I remembered that I bonded with the Australians over vitamins and INXS and they bought me tequila.
Sitting in my junior high parking lot high on ambien talking to a stranger I met on tinder. What is life?
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
I just don’t understand what sort of USPS worker wants to take my unitard and sex toys.
Randomize
