I am at a 420 party and i just told a girl "hey, less not getting donuts, more getting donuts"(1-855): and did she get any doughnuts?
No. I am devastated
i hope push ups and a ton of orange juice gets rid of chlamydia
Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.
I am not deleting the internet history anymore, now I am going for shock value.
Canada: barely better than America at a sport they invented.
I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.
He probs deserved it.
Every good man does.
I can't. I will literally throw up my liver
Why dont you be an ebola patient for halloween? You can totally throw up and itll be part of your costume.
My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I was taking a bath while he walked in, sat down on the toilet, and said "its like a baby, I can see it crowning."
Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.
What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
I feel like I'm in a astronaut outfit like I'm a spaceman & I'm just floating around cause that's all you do in space is float and I'm floating to be in detail
Houston we have a problem
Can you come over?
Sex??
Sure but there’s also a squirrel in my garage I need you to take care of.
G&T. Gin and tonic. GIN AND TONIC. GIN AND TONIC AND FUCKING LIME
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