so i texed my mom when i was trashed last night and said "i know its 3 am, just go to bed and i'll be back by the time we leave for the airport"
I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.
oh don't forget that when we go furniture shopping we have to find a matching bong so put more money in the furniture fund
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
bro your seconds weren't very sloppy last night, is everything ok?
Get off me. I'm done. I want a cookie.
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
Happy "I'm glad our dad made us sisters and then summarily downgraded himself to sperm donor" day.
I don't know how to say "Sorry I was banging your boyfriend before I knew about you but you're awesome and we should hang out." without just saying it.
Omg I just woke up. In the hallway outside my room. I know you had something to do with this
It's a charity event and she's wearing a cocktail dress drinking a 40... I found my future wife
Randomize
