Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.
"Is there dairy in semen?" was in her recent google searches...so she's lactose intolerant AND a slut.
i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.
I think I'm coming down now. I almost started crying because I lost a piece of paper.
Everyone looked at me like I just fucked a gopher and was wearing it like a hat
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
You're the only person I know that could get laid while visiting their grandpa in florida
Still drunk on my morning "run" which has turned into a walk. Just burped fireball
We dated for a month and a half. he didn't like blow jobs. I honestly don't think he was human.
I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.
Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
What did you delete my number or something
Oh honey. What makes you think I saved in in the first place?
I refuse to take any type of advice let alone love advice from a motherfucker who is missing 3 fingers from a Fucked up masturbating accident.
Randomize
