I hate when you've made an ugly girl's day by having sex with her, and then she gets greedy and wants to cuddle after you cum.
I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
Taking the airport shuttle drunk should not happen this often in my life.
Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.
It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.
think they'd let him outta jail for my wedding? we could have him back by like midnight....
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
Why do you have an empty bottle of port in your bathroom bin?
I think I'm crying more because after all these years he never learned to spell you or use a comma properly from me
I woke up naked with a $20 bill taped to my titty, so I must of had fun.
bitch i am allowed to be rude i just fought cold hard porcelain with my face
Can you come unlock the door? I just peed myself on the porch.
You yelled "Shame!" like you were that bitch from Game of Thrones and then hit my balls full force with your sports bra
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