I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
so apparently I plead the 5th to every question they asked me when they put me under the conscious sedation to set my broken wrist
Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before
You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.
I have a challenge for you: find out where you are. you will receive Taco Bell if you succeed
Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.
Mardi gras at its finest.
Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
Sleeping in a car was not on my list of plans for the night.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
It's like all the guys I keep around if I wanna have sex with all got mad at the same time. I guess I'll get out my vibrator again.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
I just took a condom out of my purse and opened it in front of my entire family because I thought it was a wetnap. Way too hungover for family brunch.
Not to make this awkward, but if we ever have sex (perhaps drunkenly), all i'm gonna be able to think about is how sexy our kids would be.
Randomize
