Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
i know he has to tuck it when he gets excited in public and all, but now he is just starting to show off.
Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake
I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.
Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.
Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
I need to you to send me drugs via FedEx
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
No, no... It was great. I feel like my liver took a vodka shower and washed it's hair with pabst
This is the nicest bathroom I've ever been drunk in. The urinal is gold.
Randomize
