A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
The woman exiting the men's room tried convincing me she was actually a good-looking man.
i was wearing footie pjs. how could there be confusion as to who i hooked up with, thats not something you forget
She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.
The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth
Who invented hangovers? And why did I make out with him and eat an entire can of chilli mixed with hot fries while screaming "YOU ONLY GRADUATE ONCE" last night?
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
it's always good to have a friend that's a hairdresser, a massage therapist, maybe throw in a lawyer just in case, and always have a friend on food stamps
Your roommates will be treating you to many anecdotes about my intentions to have aggressive sex with you. I'm sorry in advance.
That awkward moment when the guy you were hitting on at the bar last night is a possible suspect in a murder case.
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I’m photoshopping my boobs to up my Tinder game. I need better dick in 2020
My nipples are YOUNG and they need TWISTING
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