i want to open my blinds to let the sunlight in my room, but i'm afraid my neighbors will be able to see me drinking and judge me
After we had sex, she played this little piggy with my toes
You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
i think i just witnessed the elusive male walk of shame
I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.
he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.
i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches
Remind me tomorrow that I was taking shots of burnetts in the subway line while placing my order
So after this weekend I think I'm gonna go down on one knee and propose to my boyfriend that he give me his liver.
The last party at your house was a sex toy party...it's an obvious transition to baby shower
I took shrooms last night.. For a good half hour I genuinely believed I was black and being held captive by a leaf. Never again.
tried to out drink an american air force weapons loader. never again
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
He's short and fat and honestly I think he's what my self esteem was made for
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
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