i am officially better prepared for a hangover tomorrow than i was for christmas.
That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again
Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.
I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away
He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?
bong water from a few floors above me just splashed onto my face when i was looking out the window. Happy 4/21 to me
You dont realize corn stalks will cut until you run from the cops through a corn field.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
I'm in Starbucks carrying the boxes wine and the hubcap. So many judging looks.
Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.
To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.
I'm throwing in the towel on today. The puke gods have won this war
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
he just kept texting even after we lit his shoelaces on fire. he just calmly walked into the pool... still texting.
Im like a saiyan, last weekends hangover will only make me stronger
I'm not going to waste the next hour of my life writing a diplomatic email explaining that she's bitch. I have Parks and Rec to watch.
Randomize
