Do I give off a "I have a sex tape" vibe???
did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope
My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.
Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?
Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
How much did you drink?
Enough to be hungover and still think roller coasters were a good idea
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I couldn't break up with him while I was wearing a Hakuna Matata shirt.
I have chicken nuggets, lube and brand new batteries, he can stay at work charting all weekend for all I care, I'm set.
She's celebrating a tinder-match-aversary and I'm not about that.
Randomize
