Great. There's a birthday party at work today. Now I can stand around and feel uncomfortable for an hour.
Just saw my boss eat a banana in three bites.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.
Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank
Tim john just told us the story about him losing his virginity at 14 during church on the emergency exit staircase. This is day drinking?
Update. He just picked me up and tried to demonstrate
I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken
Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.
I regret nothing
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
please, i've had weekends with less dignity than this.
Did you get any pics? And I can only imagine how inferior you must have felt knowing that somewhere in that room was a guy whose penis was the length of your forearm.
He's tiny, but ripped. Like a stacked hobbit. He's going to pull our sexy, crime-fighting rickshaw.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
i was in class looking for a pencil and found a chicken strip in my back pack. i think i might have a problem.. sad thing is i ate it
apparently i ended up downloading "thats amore", giving him head, and singing it... all at the same time
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