it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth
I don't even know how sober sex starts anymore
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn. I did not just catch my dad watching porn.
You are like a prophet. It's amazing how many people you convince to be lesbians.
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I got about 15 snapchats from you with your hand saying "you want cheese sticks" or something like that and one of some weird looking weed
Fair warning: I will be throwing corn dogs at you every time I see you this week.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
I don't know how to explain to you that you tried to recreate the bit from the Dana Carvey show where a guy dressed as Bill Clinton breastfeeds a bunch of puppies
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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