I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
here I sit at Southern Illinois' finest pubs and I thought I heard your laugh. I was sadly astonished to turn and find a midget cracking herself up reading the label on her can of chewing tobacco...
just got a hand job during a movie in class today is gonna be great!
well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover
I don't see what kind of idea someone could get from an envelope covered in jesus stickers and a note from a person and their dog. I'd say crazy person alert before flirting.
I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.
Noo.... Like in the attic of a crack house with nitrous and fat chicks weird....
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
This is my life. Enjoy the view
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
He showed up on school grounds wearing nothing but a suit of armor. Really at this point I'm more impressed than angry.
It's really hard to tweet with a pussy in your face demanding attention.
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
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