yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
Paddidles count extra in the back of a cop car
he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
well someone pooped in the lint basket in the laundry room last night, but none of us will admit to it so we're all just secretly judging each other and doubting ourselves.
I don't know, Alex. I don't know. I lost my keys, my debit card, my makeup bag, broke my purse, had to have someone cut my shoe off, I have no idea where my costume is. I woke up next to the biggest douchebag I know and made out with this other guy while SIMULTANEOUSLY talking on the phone to the guy I'm talking to...
On the train at 650am after a night of clubbing and running away from a new zealander who was buying us beers but also licking windows
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
YO. MCGRIDDLES.
That falls under the "unwelcome penises" category. Also that's definitely a sentence I never thought I would say
hes sooooo boring!!! I feel like I’m in a relationship with myself now. I have an 8 inch dildo under my bed, THATS how much I’m in a relationship with myself.
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