so i have my big date this weekend, and i was practicing giving head with a bottle in the shower. i stopped and looked at the botton of the bottle. it was PURE MOLD! if i die, dont tell the doctors how this happened....
the number of months ive had a girlfriend in my life divided by the number of blowjobs ive gotten is extremely depressing...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
My new dealer was watching Space Jam and eating ham off a frisbee when I went over. He's my new favorite person
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I sewed up my pants, stole his girlfriends white shirt, and went to work hungover like a responsible adult.
My dad just saw me take dirty one night stand underwear out of my purse. I'm willing to admit I have a problem
Taylor Swift needs more songs about threesomes. I'm not sure she gets me anymore.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
I'm currently sitting at your kitchen table eating chicken nuggets that I dug out of the trash and thinking about how much I need to get laid.
So I don't think the seahorse breeding thing is gonna work.
That was random, even for you Mom.
The lady at the front desk wished you a happy hangover.
Im bringing my light up rubber ducky just in case we end up at a rave tonight. HE CHANGES COLOR!
Randomize
