i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod
i just found out the cashier has a picture of my junk in her phone.
I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.
my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly
You went to jail last night?!
Just a little bit.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
Breakfast of champions
Is that a dick crepe?
It is indeed
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
We were wearing togas. So having sex was really easy to do without taking any clothes off.
JUST BECAUSE I LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED DOESNT MEAN IM GOING TO LIKE TO BE TIED UP AND SPANKED AT WORK
You tried to stop drinking but then she started feeding you tequila with a spoon. You were like an adorable baby bird.
This town is a penis wasteland. I haven't seen a suitable penis in months. This is becoming an emergency situation. I need penis in my life
coming down from speed on a 5 hour flight home from vegas is not a valid reason for calling off work the next day
so i said i had a yeast infection
I just found vampire teeth and a moustache in my purse. do you know why?
He gave me a back massage while we were fucking.
Did you get that?
WHILE WE WERE FUCKING.
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