I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
You are not answering and I think it is because you spent 80 dollars worth of drinks on you hot cousin.
I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex
After you puked you called ur mom and told her you fucked on her bed, then u said "Have a good night mommy!" hung up and passed out on my couch
that would explain 17missed calls and 3 very angry voicemails from her
Depending upon how the Sox game progresses, I'll either cry on the bar or fuck someone tonight...
I think I just snorted head and shoulders by mistake.
Please rescue me. but take your time, im getting pizza
The first crop top of the year and you're rocking it in the ER. #ratchet
What is my life?
I have the rest of my life to settle down this is totally time for friends and pizza
After we banged he volunteered to ducksit while I went to work. I think that's true love.
I serenaded the cat in the hat for a few 90s songs but idk who he is
YOU ARE THE ONLY PERSON I KNOW THAT STEALTH CLEANS PEOPLE TOILETS
It's like every time I'm baked I discover my fingers all over again.
You are currently doing Harry Potter spells with the turkey-baster...
But yeah, I am thinking that "Cake Heresy" will now be a thing
Randomize
