Pretty sure somebody just said 'I used to have a nipple'
that's awkward
I sharted during my first quiz and I couldn't leave, I went ahead and took the rest of the day off.
I just smelled my beer. It smells like coming home.
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
at first I thought it was funny, but looking at it now, it screams "dramatic" and "medicated wipes."
I'm pretty sure my penis yawned halfway through. That loose.
You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.
I was just handed a bible on my walk of shame....are you there god? its tequila tuesday's hangover
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
My parents are paying for my knee surgery for my birthday. What costume will look good on crutches for my Halloween Birthday?
Welcome to adulthood.
YOU SHOULD HAVE BEEN THE FIRST VISITOR TO CHRISTMASLAND
I was just drinking but now I'm drinking and chasing with red bull. I call this "getting ready for work"
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
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