You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?
You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.
I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
She wants to have naked weekends
They call that free range vagina in France
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha
You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.
Its 11am and I'm eating gummi bears and drinking Tennessee honey in my underwear...this is why I'm self employed
I just gave them my two week notice. Now is the perfect time to fuck my boss's son
My father has a definite type: blonde, busty, 18-22. It was awkward when I was in college, but now I'm over it. I play wingman for him and he buys me expensive purses for the assistance in getting him hooked up with girls younger than me. Win-win.
He told me their parents think of me as the "drunk friend"...oddly enough, I'm ok with that
Oh and ps....i was sleeping soundly until i woke up by the sound of amy on the phone with her mom sobbing hysterically because she cant stop having the shits.
Randomize
