i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Get caught with marijuana. Cop takes piece. Buy new bong. Circle of fun.
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
I just put Gatorade in my wine, cause electrolytes, you know.
I'm terrified that I'm going to have a baby with a guy who posts snapchat stories while ignoring my texts
She showed up at 4:30 in the morning HAMMERED, stripped, demanded sex, then after 4 failed attempts stopped me mid-thrust to tell me she thought we should be fucking for a cause, like animal rights. Process that for a second. She wanted us to be fucking for animal rights.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
I was grinding with girl while I was eating french fries, and she turned around to hook up with me. She ate my fries.
He passed out while I was riding him but stayed hard long enough for me to orgasm. He definitely earned the blow job I’m going to wake him up with in the morning!
Randomize
