I'd rather drink alone in my closet than hang out with that girl
This house was built for laser tag.
It just hit me that i made out with someone's mom last night
I feel like im in a tornado of daylight savings, tequila and death
He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.
You would pick up a guy in AA.
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
Just walked out of my apartment and came face to face with a shirtless dude playing with his balls and trying to tie his shoes.
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
You know you're doing college wrong when you have to bail your RA out of jail
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
It was all good until his cat started licking my nipple along with him
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
Don't forget my pants whenever you come over, otherwise we can't get in.
No dude 10 parakeets in your bedroom is 9 parakeets too many. Bring them back. Today!
Fuuuuuck dude, he’s got #Excel in his Facebook bio; I’m screaming
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