Apparently I called 911 everytime Sean Kingston told me to
mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing
We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.
quick, send me a pic of a fat chick eating ice cream in a bikini. no joke, no questions, just do it.
Whenever there is a ShotSki involved, I have no excuse but to drink, right? It's like a rule.
I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.
I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am
Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills
Everything smells like blood and olive oil.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
Dear me: Drinking & crying tonight, my place, 9pm sharp. Love, your life
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
Just burnt my tongue. Not sure if it will help or hurt giving blow jobs
There's no button for "gave my boyfriend's cock to a friend" on my intimacy calendar.
Slap a cop in the butt for a felony charge. Check.
You chased a rabbit then knocked on a police car and asked the cop "if he saw where that little bastard went."
Randomize
