wow. When I'm done with him he's going to have to pop his collar in necessity and not just douchery
There is a reason Crest White Strips don't list masturbation as one of the myriad of activities to do while whitening your teeth. A very good reason.
this one can actually spell my name, that's a shoe-in
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
She had a little wicker basket of condoms by her bed. Disturbing yet convenient.
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
don't let me wipe my vag with a dirty leaf outside of mcdonalds ever again.
If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.
Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..
all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
I created a photogrid for every picture he has ever sent me of his penis. Now I can see every angle at one time. THIS IS GREAT.
She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life
Timehop reminded me that 4 years ago today I helped a one armed man do the YMCA by being his other arm.
I went with vodka instead of tequila tonight so I make better decisions. Fool proof plan.
Randomize
