this morning i realized i came home with more condoms then i left. burn.
so he tried marking my clit with a sharpie so he could "find it again next time".
thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.
So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
I took the weekend off because he and I were supposed to go to Vegas for our anniversary and get a hooker remember?
Ah, yes. Who says romance is dead?
Beer and tomahawks! Not gonna end well!
I think we've entered a low point in our relationship when I'm sending you pictures of pubic hair designs "because they're funny"
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
when I die covered in cocaine, hookers, and tequila at 73 years old just remember that I once had a tweet with that many retweets
I hooked up with a guy dressed up as morning wood. Needless to say he lived up to his costume.
come over. We can flirt with the criteria for substance abuse and talk about our daddy issues
You asked him if he would have sex with you under the dinosaur. He declined and then you started crying, blaming the sand.
Randomize
