In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
Wanna demo a makeout? Check box yes or no. Or maybe. Okay bye.
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I just want a box on franzia all to myself. Just me, my wine, my tears, & my self loathing.
do you have any idea how hard it is to keep a boner while another dude is writing on your dick in sharpie?
She can drink whiskey without a chaser and has a fridge full of whipped cream. Girlfriend potential
They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game
Don't. You get on the 18 year old. I'll get on the 38 year old. Together we will bridge 2 decades of cock.
I would have been very attracted to her had she not been reading me my Miranda Rights
2 reasons we need to wear those onesies to the bar more ofter 1) comfy as shit 2) we both still got laid\n\nHow can you resist that kinda night?
im dying and naked and this is what youre living with next year.
Last night I dreamed that I got eaten out by Lego Harry Potter.
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
What. The. Fuck.
You'll have to be more specific. I do a lot of "what the fuck" kind of stuff
Randomize
