i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?
I like to think of them as justice herpes. She cheats on me and gets more than she bargained for.
Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
You are my mentor.
I drank wine out of a protein shake bottle last night. You may want to rethink that statement.
I'm just chillin on the bathroom floor
Haha oh no
The bathroom floor is like my second bedroom on the weekends
Being drunk isn't an excuse for eating all of the bacon asshole
We found out if you get Ben high but stay sober yourself he is an AWESOME cook. You need to get your ass down here, this goes against everything I know to be real.
He's ruined me. Do you know how frustrating it is to know I'll never find another guy as tall and handsome and rich with as big of lips & booty, and cock as him who also rims and takes me on tropical vacations and buys me all the cocaine.
The minute he showed me his Mumford and sons tattoo is the minute i could literally feel my pussy dry up
I just thought that if your brother was ever going to invite me over again, he probably shouldn't catch me fucking you in his bathroom.
He couldn’t find my clit with a map. Literally. I drew him a map.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
This may be the most redneck thing I've ever said, but I know all there is to know about farting dogs
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