I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
the next time i see a chick with leggings under her jean skirt...i'm gona beat her ass with a fashion magazine...
It doesn't matter if he doesn't speak English because I speak the international language of blowies.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?
Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.
Um he just came into the kitchen naked to get her purse or something?
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.
It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
This guy smells like mr Rogers puppets and I don't know how to deal with it
Burritos, beer, and hot tub sex. Merry Christmas to me.
I'm honestly just now recovering from saint Patrick's day.
Yeah, we got drunk and stole road signs.
Randomize
