I love my grandma, but if I have to sit and watch one more show on Bravo, I'm gonna burn her fuckin house to the ground
All I want to do right now is burp, puke, and fart. In that order.
On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.
Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.
i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.
So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.
My roommate made me a peanut butter and sprinkles sandwich. Maybe tonight isn't that bad
He told his ice cream cone it 'looked cute' and then started to cry. The Dairy Queen people were not pleased.
You may genuinely find a use for the siphon. But the bag of human hair is less likely.
yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?
My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
Are you coming to class or was the dick pic this morning your way of saying not today?
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
Tanner. All u drink. 10 bckaa. Locked in Porto potty outside. Constructed area. Main strrrreeeett. Fuck. Help. Pleese
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