I showed my boss the "She Wolf" video. He sent it to all his friends and told me to make us martinis...thanks Shakira and keep it up
she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.
i have a dinosaur tramp stamp
Just ducktaped my beer to my bike. See you in ten.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
The guy who's car I hit last night just followed me on Twitter...not sure how to feel about it.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
The selfie stick gets 5 stars bc it really added a fun element to my sex tape
You spilt a drink on my couch, then used my dog to mop it up... you called her a mop dog, repeatedly
So i woke up on a park bench... Using my shoe as a pillow, cuddling a empty handle of vodka... Yet I'm still in my living room. Someone please tell me why all my vodkas gone? I'll deal with the park bench situation at a later time.
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